English-Jes(英语笑话)

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1、 English Jokes(英语笑话) I forgot to shake the bottle Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: Ive just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. 妈妈:你为什么不断地跳上跳下的? 汤姆:我刚吃完药,可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。Get the kid.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement co

2、mmunity. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,Get the kid. 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,千万别进退休社区。由于那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,她们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”她究竟想借什么? Are you using you mower this afternoon? Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower

3、 this afternoon? Mr.Smith: Yes. Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it? 约翰逊先生:今天下午你准备用割草机吗? 史密斯先生:是的。 约翰逊先生:太好了。既然您不用网球拍,那我可以借用一下吗?所有的烟卷都会点着的All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that s

4、he complained to him one day.I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.Dont worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later. He said with a smile. 玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟,一天对她抱怨说:“我但愿有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用紧张,亲爱的,所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”她笑着说。A fine weapon to kill timeDo you sing and play muc

5、h? a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly thrumming the keys of the piano.Only to kill time. she replied. Youve got a fine weapon, I must admit. Ventured大胆提出 the young man.向主保密I dont want Him to know Im here.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out

6、-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. Id rather not, the c

7、lergyman said, I dont want Him to know Im here. 一位出名牧师和她教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会,她们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。 饭后,一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了,”牧师说。“我不想让主懂得我在这里。”否则Otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him

8、? Jack: Certainly. Tom: And why? Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. 汤姆:威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给她? 杰克:固然应当了。 汤姆:为什么? 杰克:否则她就该跟我借了。心不在焉的丈夫I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the

9、case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. Why are you so nervous? I asked him. The numbers are the date of our anniversary. my husband confessed. 我陪丈夫一起出差,她带着她的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要她打开包。她耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回忆起暗锁的密码。

10、最后她终于想起来了。“你为什么那么紧张呢?”我问她。“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”她承认道。还是太贵It is still too muchAn old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shipman: How much this stuff? Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap. The lady said, It is too much, give it to me for fourteen. I di

11、d not say seventeen dollars, but seven. It is still too much, replied the old lady, give it to me for five. 一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。 她问店员:“这东西要多少钱?”“七美元,太太,这是很便宜的。” 老太太说:“太贵了,十四美元差不多。”店员忙说:“我没说十七美元,是七美元。” “还是太贵,”老太太说:“五美元,我就买啦。” Moms here?One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall. On

12、my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.My husband looked up and said, Moms here? 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵

13、。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫昂首看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”谁在打架Who was fighting? Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother: Thats a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith. 妈妈:弗雷迪,你的脸为什么那么红? 弗雷迪:我刚刚在大街上跑,为的是制止一

14、次打架? 妈妈:你做的对,谁和谁在打架。 弗雷迪:我和杰克史密斯。 It was overdueYour funny story was too overdue. i used to hear about it when i was just a middle school student. have you ever heard about this sentence: we brother who and who?One moreP-patient D-doctorP: Doctor, the medicine u gave me was of great help!D: Oh? How

15、much do u have at a time?P: None, but my uncle had them, now im his only heir继承人!Best Restaurant There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said The Best Restaurant in the City. The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which sa

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