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1、新新TOEFL写作（写作（7）2. 支持性的细节支持性的细节这就是评分标准中的所谓“supporting detail”，有时题目中干脆用“use specific examples to support your answer”来提示考生要言之有物。其实即便题目中不给我们这么明确的提示，也应该在各段主题句之后佐以例证来增强说服力。从形式上看，对于进行论述的主要段落，在13行的主题句后，应该有48行的细节论述，最后再加上12行的主题再现。这样，一个重点段落就有610行，能骨肉丰满地说明一条主要理由了。SampleBy “haste makes Waste” is meant that one
2、should do everything step by step. Even simple operations can easily be spoiled if we rush to complete them, neglecting important stages in the process. One should make full preparations before beginning any task.Take for an example the Great Leap Forward. In those feverish days, under the leadershi
3、p of Chairman Mao, the whole nation was in a passionate haste of fast economic development. People showed extraordinary enthusiasm in anticipation of a great, speculative prosperity ahead. Unfortunately, irrationality accompanied haste. We ignored the natural laws completely and the result was a nat
4、ionwide waste of resources. Bubbles of illusion broke at last, leaving behind disappointment and even despair.Haste can make waste in our daily life. Assume that you are preparing for your final examination. There are a lot of exercises to do and many notes to remember. The fact that you dont have e
5、nough time makes you very worried. So you read and write continuously, without rest, without sleep, without relaxation. The result is that your brain is less and less efficient, and your progress is slower and slower. The situation goes from bad to worse. All your effects lead to nothing.In short, l
6、aying a solid foundation is essential if we want to make achievements in our studies or work, or indeed in any other aspect of our lives. At every step, review that has been achieved and assess the problems ahead before moving to the next step. And remember, Rome was not built in one day.分析分析“欲速则不达”
7、。上文主体段落的第二段提供了一个真实具体的例证大跃进来说明一步跨入共产主义是不现实的；主体第二段提供了一个假象的例证：如果为了在考试中获得优异成绩把时间抓得过紧没有放松、没有休息、效果可能适得其反。通篇用举例说明主题。再看一例：再看一例：Original: On the other hand, reading books enlightens human beings. Wise people know that to learn from others through books is a shortcut to success. Actually, there is no need for
8、 one to try on abundant things, encounter set-backs and then learn from the failure. The people of the past have already accumulated a great deal of valuable experience from their own adventures and explorations in their lifetime. What requires one to do is simple to open a good book and estimate th
9、e content with personal judgments so as to adapt those favorable ideas to his use in the real life. Books offer precious opportunities for one to communicate with sages living in different times, which also help to edify ones quality at the same time.Revised: Everybody knows that reading books enlig
10、htens human beings. Wise people know that to learn from others through books is a shortcut to success. Actually, there is no need for one to try out everything, encounter set-backs and then learn from their failure. The people of the past have already accumulated a great deal of valuable experience
11、from their failure. The people of the past have already accumulated a great deal of valuable experience from their own adventures and exploits in their respective lifetimes. It behooves us to open a good book and judge the content against our personal experiences, so as to adapt those idea best suit
12、ed to use in the real world. For example, those hoping to become doctors do not leave their education up to simple trial and error. They must study for many years, contrasting the experience learned from textbooks with their actual practice. Only in this way, beginning with the foundation laid in bo
13、oks, can one become an expert in any field.原文只指出了前人积累了大量的宝贵经验，而这些经验都写在书中，我们需要读书以借鉴它们，但是并未举出具体的事例。改后稿中，在讲述完我们可以从书中借鉴前人经验并为己用后，还用for example引出了一个具体事例：想当医生的人不仅要经历磨练，还要从课本中学习前人的经验。举例时需要注意几个问题：（1）例证必须和主题紧密相关。如要证明“压力适当把握能变成动力”，我们可以举某同学家境贫寒，在巨大的经济压力下顽强拼搏，一边兼职养家、一边花比别人多的时间学习成才。但这个例子如果把握不好，过分强调兼职，就会写成“兼职的好处”
14、。（2）例证必须能够充分证明主题。有时候需要很多一连串的小事例才能说明问题，有时两三个就足够了，有时把一个事例分析透了也可以。（3）例证可以来自生活，是自己或朋友的亲身经历，也可以合理想象。（4）例证（如有两个以上）的安排一定要有逻辑性，最后能按照从轻到重的次序排列，以便在作文中创造一个高潮。很多考生处心积虑地写好了主题句之后，绞尽脑汁也不知道该用什么样的细节来论述才会更合适。这里我们将支持性细节分成以下4种类型，以启发同学们更快想出所谓支持性细节来：具体事例具体事例/个人事例（故事个人事例（故事/亲身经历）亲身经历）我们可以把他人或自己的亲身经历作具体事例来论证相关观点。SampleTorn
15、adoes can be devastating(破坏性). Take, for example, the tornado that hit Wichita Falls, Texas, in 1979. This tornado destroyed an entire block of homes and damaged many other houses and places of business. In addition, the tornado caused the death of over twenty people. More recently, in 1984, the tow
16、n of Barneveld, Wisconsin, was leveled by a tornado that killed and injured about 300.故事或亲身经历一般会写得比较详细，有的文章甚至整篇主体就用一个故事构成。这种段落中可以使用下面的表达方式：A good case in point is(后面一般跟名词性短语，如后接句子须加连词that)Another telling example is(后面一般跟名词性短语，如后接句子须加连词that)To illustrate my point, I can think of no better example tha
17、n但也可以写得比较简洁：People often sacrifice higher pay for the privilege of working in a big city, as it did in the case of my friend Tom, who went to Shanghai at the cost of a highly-paid job in his town. However, he is still jobless until now.本段的观点是：很多人宁愿放弃小城市的高薪到大城市找工作。为了说明这一点，作者举了自己的朋友Tom为例，Tom放弃家乡的高薪到上海
18、找工作，但至今工作无着落。有人担心我们讲的中国事物美国人看不懂，其实大可不必有此担心。中美语言虽有所不同，人性，事理却大体相同。比如讲旅行好的话题，你说阳朔山水如画秀丽、周庄水乡多么多么美，评分人员虽说没有躬亲，也大概可以猜测出你要表达的事物，重要的还是你的语言。练习：练习：改写下列段落改写下列段落Original: When getting aged, people have few opportunities to go out and see the outside world. The old should also know the outside and keep up with
19、the changing world. Telling stories to them about the outside world will make them not only know more but also feel that they do not fall behind the time.Revised: Older people have few opportunities to get out of the house. The elderly should also know what is happening in the world and keep up with
20、 news and events. My friends grandfather cannot leave his bed, but he spends all day reading newspapers and magazines. When guests visit he is always able to have a lively discussion with them and in this way enjoy life.原文只指出了“老年人由于年龄大、行动不便，所以出门机会少，但他们也需要了解外面不断发展的世界，跟上时代的脚步”，但后文没有列举具体的事例对此加以证明，从而导致文
21、章显得苍白。而由于阅卷老师非常注重连贯的细节，所以不会给原文高分。改后稿中以“我朋友的祖父”为例，讲述了细节：cannot leave his bed, reading newspapers and magazines，When guests visit等。这就给文章增添了趣味，而不是只有抽象的道理。当然具体事例/个人事例（故事/亲身经历）要使用得好，还有注意下面两个问题：1具体事例/个人事例的叙述要注意控制笔墨，点到为止。2尽量不要在各段全都使用具体事例/个人事例，最好的手法是有点有面，具体事例/个人事例和泛泛事例想结合。这样说服力会更强。现举一例：讲述图书馆投资选计算机更好的文章，有一段讲
22、计算机的使用有助于信息共享。During the last semester, all the twenty students of my class are required to resort to the British Encyclopedia to complete our final paper. However, there was only one set in the whole library because it takes a whole shelf to hold and is too expensive to purchase more than one set.
23、Ever since the university bought in the CD version of the British Encyclopedia, we are free to refer to the same article at the same time through different terminals.这是一种有说服力的写作方式，但如果我们再加上这几句，效果就又不同了。This case is not rare, in reality, frequently many readers of this library need to refer to the same
24、 source at the same time.有这一句，该个人事例的说明力度就进一步加强了。追求高分的同学请务必注意个例和范例想结合的写作手法。练习：练习：改写下列段落改写下列段落Original: As the saying goes, “Theres no free lunch.” Few could gain fame without strenuous attempts. If someone becomes famous, that owes a lot to his diligence and perseverance for years. He has spent a lot
25、 of time and energy working hard and possibly encountered many failures, and finally he breaks a record or wins an international award in filming. Thus they deserve impressive returns.Revised: As the saying goes, “Theres no free lunch.” Few people achieve fame without the fortitude and endurance to
26、follow their dreams. Michael Jordan spent years playing basketball, all throughout high school and college he practiced often and had to take care of his body. It paid off, and he is now world famous. He is not alone either. Most famous people have spent a lot of time and energy working hard and enc
27、ountering many failures. Thus, they deserve those impressive returns.原文使用了someone这样模糊的概念。要指出这个someone具体是谁，做了什么事，取得什么成就。改后稿中，在说完“不下苦功难以成名”后，列举了球星乔丹的具体事例，并给出了一系列的细节词和短语，如playing basketball, high school and college，这样就使得论据有说服力。 假象事例假象事例如果没有发生在我们身边的合适例子，但又想象力丰富，则可以考虑用假象的事例来说明问题。这种手法绝对不应该被认为是作弊，君不见许多TOEF
28、L阅读中的正规学术文章也有下面的论述：People are born to compute. Imagine a one-year old boy was brought to a deserted island. Seven years later, the boy was brought straight to grade two. He would not have any trouble in keeping up with others in arithmetic.再如下面这段要说明儿童总是容易受环境熏染，就列举了一连串想象的例子：If a child lives with crit
29、icism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confid
30、ence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love
31、in the world.同样下面这段也是通过两个想象的例子，来证明在实际生活中学习心理学至少可以帮助你解决不少孩子带来的难题：One reason for studying psychology is to help you deal with your children. Perhaps your young daughter refuses to go to bed when you want her to and burst into tears at the least mention of “light out”. A little knowledge of psychology
32、will come in handy. Offer her a choice of staying up until 7:30 with you or going upstairs and playing until 8:00. since she gets to make the choice, she does not feel so powerless and will not therefore resist. Psychology is also useful in rewarding a child for a job well done. Instead of telling y
33、our 10-year-old son what a good boy he is when he makes his own bed, tell him how neat it looks, how happy your are to see it, and how proud of him you are for doing it by himself. The psychology book will tell you that being a good boy is much harder to live up than doing one job well.例证说明常用词语A tel
34、ling example, a good case, to illustrate, as an illustration, suppose, just imagine例证说明常用句型A good case in point isAnother convincing example isTo illustrate my point, I can think of no better example than练习练习请用例证法完成下文主体段落请用例证法完成下文主体段落My View on FateThere is no consensus of opinions among people as t
35、o the view of fate. Some people believe that everyone is born to a certain fate that he can not change, while some other people think that every man is the master of his own life. In conclusion, I believe that everyone is born equal and is the builder of his own fate. We can have good fortune only i
36、f we take pains and work hard, we should bear the following saying in mind, “Every man is the master of his own fate.”参考答案参考答案Lets take Helen Keller, an extraordinary American woman, for example, when she was only 19 months old, she became blind and deaf. Instead of accepting her misfortune helpless
37、ly, she showed great courage and unconquerable spirit in fighting against her destined fate and was awarded the Presidents Medal of Freedom in 1964 because of her achievements. This story tells us that a wise man is always creating his own fate rather than waiting for good luck.词汇写作小贴士词汇写作小贴士汉式英语和地道
38、英语汉式英语和地道英语英汉的表达习惯，和句法结构都有区别。甚至逻辑思维也有不同。如，汉语说“救火”，英语认为这样说是不可思议的。英语应当是：“灭火”“与火斗”，因此是“fight fires”。同样，汉语说“让孩子们多出去晒太阳”。英语认为这不和逻辑，应该是“太阳晒孩子”，所以要说成是“Take the children out to get as much sun as possible”。因此不考虑英汉语两种语言不同的表达习惯，甚至不顾基本的语法规则，根据汉语意思逐字翻译，写出来就是汉式英语，即chinglish。现在流行的学英语的笑话诸如no three, no four(不三不四)，s
39、ee through the autumn water(望穿秋水)等虽然有些夸张，但并不是无中生有。如：Some small thieves always steal peoples money in supermarket.这句话中的small thieves就是比较典型的“中式英语”。汉语中的“小偷”在英语中应该是petty thieves.The tree by the windows of my house has four men height.这句话的大概意思是“我家窗户外的大树有四人那么高。”因为受到汉语的影响，作者把“有四人那么高”这个意思字对字、生硬地“翻译”成了英文，使划线
40、部分表达不清。根据英语的表达习惯，这句话可改为：The tree by the window of my house is four-men high/is of four-men height.The opportunity to be promoted is smaller for a woman who has a child.作者大概要表达的意思是“有孩子的妇女提升机会不大。”汉语中的“机会不大”能不能用small这个词来表达？作者显然是受到了汉语字面的影响，在写作时搞中文和英文的机械对应，写出了这样的中式英语。汉语中的“小”并不等于英语中的“small”，“大”也并不等于“big”。
41、 “大哥”不是“big brother”（eldest brother），“小媳妇”也不是small daughter-in-law。根据英语的表达习惯，这句话可改为：The opportunity to be promoted is slimmer for a woman who has a child.We must improve our English Level.这里的“英语水平”是不是“English Level”？ 这又是一个常见的中式英语表达。受汉语表达的习惯在英文里使用没有必要的名词或动词。这个句子可改成：We must improve our English.再如一位老教师
42、去听一位年轻英语教师的课。年轻教师在讲课前说了一句：Now please take out some white paper and lets have a dictation.老教师当即忍不住站起来问：May I use some pink paper?显然年轻教师是让学生拿出点“白纸”做听力练习，汉语意思十分明了：“白纸”乃“空白可供写字之用的纸（blank paper），而他一不小心，将“白”说成white，“白纸”变成“白色的纸”，难怪老教师有此发难了。再如：Many young people couldnt marry with their lover, for they hadnt
43、 any house.中国人以含蓄著称，却把“情人”（lover）当“爱人”（wife），把夫妇两地分居说成不能同情人在一起而满腹牢骚，岂不让人莫名其妙？其实只是习作者望文生义，既然love为“爱”，那么加“r”，便为“爱人”。可谓一念之差，离题万里。本句原意是说许多年轻人因为没有自己的房子而无法结婚，故应改成：Many young couples could not get married because they did not have their own houses.汉式英语的错误可以归纳为以下几类：汉式英语的错误可以归纳为以下几类：对词义的不了解造成的：对词义的不了解造成的：吸烟会
44、有害我们的身体。F. Smoking cigarettes will do harm to our body.T. Smoking cigarettes will do harm to our health.健康就是health，没有什么body health。锻炼身体：work out请注意身体F. Please notice your body.T. Please take care of yourself.他们的学习不是天天向上，而是每况愈下。F. Their study will not day day up, but day day down.T. Their study will
45、not get better, but get worse.他没说几句就让我们展开讨论F. He only said a few sentences and then let us discuss.T. He said only a few words and then let us discuss.打开电视机就可知道天下事。F. Open TV, you can know everything in the world.T. Turn on TV, you can know everything in the world.看电视可以开阔我们的眼界。F. Watching TV can wid
46、en our eyesight.T. Watching TV can widen our horizon. 对文化习俗不了解造成的：对文化习俗不了解造成的：如果一个学生只有书本知识，毕业后他就成了一个腿走路的人。If a student only has book knowledge, he will become a one-legged man when he comes out of the university door.If a student only has book knowledge, he wont become a well-rounded man when he gra
47、duates from college.在写作前有必要打一个腹稿。It is necessary to make a draft in your belly before you write a composition. It is necessary to make a draft in your mind before you write a composition.即使不是比喻，而是真要说人的“腹”，英语中也不能如下面的：他的讲座精心准备，有趣生动，我们不时捧腹大笑。His lecture was well-prepared and interesting. We often held
48、our stomach with laughter.His lectures was well-prepared and interesting. We often held our sides with laughter.一个有雄心壮志的人能够把心都放在学习上。F. A man with ambition can put his heart into his study.T. A man with ambition can devote himself to his study.3. 由于词语搭配造成的：她的名字叫王英。F. Her name is called Wangying.T. He
49、r name is Wangying.我的肚子饿了。F. My stomach is hungry.T. I am hungry.他年纪很轻。F. His age is very young.T. He is very young.他的脑子很聪明。F. His brain is very clever.T. He is very clever.如果像这样看电视，他的眼睛总有一天会瞎掉。F. If he watches TV like this, his eyes will be completely blind one day.T. If he watches TV like this, he
50、 will be completely blind one day. 一个人如果胸无大志，就不可能有所作为。F. No one can achieve anything when he doesnt have an ambition in his heart.T. No one can achieve anything if he doesnt have his ambition.4. 由于词性不同造成的：由于词性不同造成的：所以没有坚强的意志，就没有努力，就没有成功。F. So no strong will, no hard work and no success.T. Without st
51、rong will, there is no hard work, nor success.电脑和电视机一样可以给我们很多信息。F. Computer like TV and can provide us with much information.T. Like TV, the computer can provide us with much information.有自己独立的主见，会有助于他们今后的工作。F. Form their own opinions will benefit their future work.T. Forming ones own opinion will benefit their future work.所以我们要从孩子做起。F. So we should do it from child.T. So we should do it from the childhood.
