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1、2023英式幽默英语笑话英式幽默英语笑话大全拍卖会上 At Auction FairAt auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.The owner says, &Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her.&On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:& I reward 300
2、dollars.&拍卖会上，有人的包丢了，里面装有重要文件。物主说：;有谁拣到送还，我将拿出200美元以表答谢。;话刚出口，就听有人喊：;我出300美元。;The Doctor Knows BetterA man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: &I think that he is very ill.&I am afraid that he is dead.& said the
3、 doctor.Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: &I'm not dead. I'm still alive.&Be quiet, & said the wife. &the doctor knows better than you!&一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：;我想他伤得很厉害。;医生说：;唯恐他已经死了。;听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说：;我没死，我还活着。;妻子说：;宁静，医生比你懂得多。;I Don't Need to Steal Any MoreThe o
4、wner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.;I want no scandal，; saidthe owner.;I'll just fire you.; The employee replied，;True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country
5、 mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch;一家大百货店的老板在查帐中觉察，他最信任的雇员从公司偷走了一百多万美元。;我不要丑闻。;老板说。;我只要开除你。;那个雇员答复说：;不错，我是偷了你公司相当一大笔钱。现在我有游艇、一座乡村别墅、珠宝，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不须要了，你为什么要再雇个人来，让他从头做起呢;合理的悲伤On his deathbed p
6、oor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. ;A different cause，;says Parson Sly， ;The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife，that he may live;.马修·普赖厄 可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入无望; 频频抽泣，相对哭啼， 他们都表达着悲伤。 ;不同缘由，
7、;滑头牧师说， ;可产生同样结果： 可怜的鲁宾怕他会死; 他老婆，怕他会活。;Compare other things比一下其他Compare other things比一下其他Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.Mom: You just care about this Haven’t you compared other thingsSon: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.儿子：妈妈，John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。妈妈：你只关切这个吗不会比
8、一下其它东西儿子：有啊，他妈妈比你美丽。What are the Two WordsA very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you
9、 promise me thatWhy, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words一个特别亲善的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我敬爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你容许恒久不要用两个词，一个是;厌烦的;，另一个是;极好的;。你能容许我吗噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词奇猜异想Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He
10、 told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, &Eureka, eureka!& The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.One student stood up and answered, &I'm nak
11、ed ! I'm naked!&我们的物理教授想方设法引导我们探讨阿基米德的排水原理。他告知我们阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他进入池子，觉察水涨高了，溢出池沿。他对这一觉察非常剧烈，跑到街上高叫：;Eureka，Eureka!;教授问我们谁知道他喊的是什么意思。一个学生站起来答道：;我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦!;离婚A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce.&I don't understand,&He said,&Why do you want a divorce at this time
12、 of life&the husband explained &Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died.&有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。;我不明白，;法官说，;你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚;丈夫说明道：;嗯，你是知道的，我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。;A Man Who Said No 说不的男子A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed W
13、all Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to h
14、elp. He followed the chap, and again asked, &Are you sure you're all right What subway are you looking for Do you need help getting home&At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, &Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!&我的一位挚友看到一个男子在时代广场的地铁车站摇摇摆晃地走。那个人穿着时髦，敞着怀，一个手提箱在他的手里悬
15、吊着，很明显他是多喝了一杯。我挚友问他怎么样，那男子模糊而确定地答复说没问题。然而我挚友就是不能眼看着有人在纽约地铁独入是非之地而置之不顾。他跟在那家伙的后面，又一次问道：;你确定你没事你在找哪个地铁站你须要帮助回家吗;他所留意的对象最终忍耐不住了，对他低声咆哮道：;你给我走开!我是便衣警察!;博士与小厮A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，; my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.; Swift turned round and said，;My boy， that is not the way t
