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1、1.How much English can you speak?Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. Whats more, he only speaks a few words of English.The judge looked at the defendant and asked,
2、How much English can you speak?The defendant looked up and said, Give me your wallet!2A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a whi
3、le and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.He said, What?3Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctors consulting room.Doctor, he said, you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago.Good heavens, man! said th
4、e doctor. Why have you waited so long? Why dont you come to me on the day you swallowed it?To tell you the truth, Doctor, the poor man replied, I didnt need the money so badly then.4Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
5、Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant say you werent warned.5A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm
6、in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.All right, son, asked the father, What does that show you?Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.法官先生,我的当事人被指控偷窃,这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约
7、,几乎不认路。而且,他只会说几个英语单词。法官看了看被告,问道：你会说多少英文？被告抬起头,说：把你的钱包给我!丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果,为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字而女人每天使用30000个。妻子想了一会儿说,女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍,因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问：什么？一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。大夫!他说,帮帮我!一个月前我吞了一分硬币!天哪,大夫说,早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？实话告诉您吧,大夫,穷人说,我当时还不缺钱!史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说：博比，我小
8、的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。博比抬头看了看老师，说：史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。所以，儿子啊，父亲问道，得出什么结论？恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！6A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.While hes talking to his grandma, his friend starts e
9、ating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma, Thanks for the peanuts.She says, Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off.7Boy: Hi, didnt we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Mustve been once. I never make
10、the same mistake twice.8A guy says to his friend, Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.The friends says, If I guess right, will you give me one of them?The first guys says, If you guess right, Ill give you both of them!9The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice ve
11、rsa. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions? At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, Umm.How much for a season pass?
12、10In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?To be deaf, replied the boy.Nonsense! said the teacher angrily.Why, sir! Dont you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf? the boy asked i
13、n reply disdainfully.11A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.Bartender: Whats the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?The man: We had a fight, and she told me that she wasnt going to speak to me for a month.Bartender: That should make you happy.The man: No, the month is u
14、p today!一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:谢谢您的花生。结果祖母说:唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。一个人对他朋友说，猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？朋友说：我猜对了，你能给我一个不？他说：你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入,男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。不论是谁,一旦违规,初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有
15、什么疑问么？这时人群中一个男同学问道,那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩：音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？耳聋，男孩答道。胡说！老师气愤地说。怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？男孩轻蔑地反问道。一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。酒吧招待：你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？男人：我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。酒吧招待：那你应该高兴才是啊！男人：不，今天是这个月的最后一天。12Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lun
