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1、 搞笑英语短文Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells
2、the candy. 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Ive Just Bitten My Tongue Are we poisonous? the young snake asked his mother. Yes, dear, she replied - Why do you ask? Cause Ive just bitten my tongue! 我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
3、 “是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” Fathers Things When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howards clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening. Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found
4、his son wearing any of his things. One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Toms clothes very carefully. Then he said angrily, Isnt that one of my ties, Tom? Yes, Father, it is, answered Tom. And that shirts mine too. Yes, thats yours too, answ
5、ered Tom. And youre wearing my belt! said Mr. Howard. Yes, I am, Father, answered Tom. You dont want your trousers to fall down, do you? 父亲的东西 汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。 霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。 一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。 然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？” 汤姆回答说：“是
6、的，父亲，是你的领带。” “还有那衬衫也是我的。” “是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。 “还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。 “是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？” Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake be
7、fore he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: I didnt have a bit of trouble getting up this morning. Thats fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday? 安眠药 鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。 星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“
8、我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”Big Head“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”“Dont listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”“Wheres the shopping bag?
9、”“I havent got one,use your hat.” 大脑袋“所有的孩子都拿我取乐，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”“别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”“购物袋在哪？”“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。” Class and Ass Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today. A student, after reading the notice
10、, rubbed out the c. Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the l. 班和笨驴 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。 Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington Universit
11、y in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. This isnt your work. he said. Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. You cannt prove that! the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red
12、 was: Also see article on communism. 抄 袭 我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。” “你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。 我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。” Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamt
13、on as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. You
14、ll get that degree, dear, she whispered. Perseverance is a virtue. 美 德 获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。 最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。” Difference I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class, observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. When I say, Good afternoon, the undergrad
