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1、Relationships 亲密关系,对亲密关系的需要,极为幸福的人 (Diener & Seligman, 2002) 认识你自己-Know thyself 回顾“美味佳肴原则”Lasagna principle 外向与内向 (Little, 1993) 亲密关系,“对于人生幸福的预测指标，鲜有几个比得上那种与自己的最好朋友之间保持一份紧密、互益、平等、亲密、终身的情谊关系。” David Myers,红杏出墙之国State of Affairs,离婚率 不能做到对爱的保持 新奇感能增强性的欲望 (Mook, 1987),谁是天下最帅、最靓？,虚构 对 现实,真爱（真的）存在吗？,虚构 对
2、现实,真爱（真的）存在吗？,“完美的爱的确是罕见的Perfect love is rare indeedfor to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and
3、 the fortitude of the certain.” Leo Buscaglia,完美的爱不存在。 真爱是存在的。,重设问题: 亲密关系的情况,传统心理学 “为什么这么多的长期亲密关系都失败了？”,积极心理学 “是什么使得一些亲密关系兴旺并成长得越来越健强?”,从有效的那一面学习,“最开始时，当我搞清楚了如何预测离婚的时候，我以为自己找到了挽救婚姻的钥匙。但跟我之前的许多专家一样，我也错了。直到我开始分析成功婚姻案例中那些做对了的方面，我才有能力破解挽救婚姻的密码。” John Gottman,“脂肪团与性潜力高度相关-Cellulite and sexual potential a
4、re highly correlated.” David Schnarch,生长尖端的统计学,勤奋努力 力争被理解而不是被认可 允许有冲突 欣赏积极的一面,1. 勤奋努力,培养 对 找到 电影结束的之处则是爱开始之处 就此幸福地生活是困难的部分 “一个合适之人”理论 培养“一个所选择”的亲密关系,通过共事而共处,共同的更高目标 (Sherif, 1958) 对双方有意义的目标,“在最强的婚姻中，丈夫与妻子共同有一种深刻的意义感，他们不只是相处，他们也互相支持对方的希望与抱负，并且在两者的生活中共同建立起一种目的感。” John Gottman,主动的爱 亲密关系中的惯例,2. 被理解而不是被认
5、可,亲密作为长期激情的钥匙 放开, 分享, 表露 表达, 而非表现 也要理解你的伙伴 (爱情地图),被理解而不是被认可,“Intimacy is about letting yourself really be known, including parts that you or your partner dont like. But its not just about letting “warts“ be known. It often involves showing strengths youve been hiding, too. Most approaches focus on g
6、etting your partners validation and acceptance when you disclose. But you cant count on this, and if you try, it inherently limits self-disclosure because you wont say things your partner wont validate. Resolving gridlock requires intimacy based on validating yourself. Schnarch (1997),3. 允许冲突,并无一个正确
7、的关系 (Gottman, 2000) 5:1 正面 比率 冲突带来免疫 强调并关注正面; 但别消除负面,爱的助推器,爱就在细节中 爱的迷你助推器 “60-second pleasure points” (Fraenkl, 2007) 因关注平凡而不平凡 表现出兴趣 显示出温情(触摸、 微笑、 鲜花) 给予赞词恭维,“一个好赞扬，就可以让我活上两个月。” 马克吐温,表现出移情 Make love,积极的冲突,情绪上的而不是认知上的冲突 对事不对人 P: “你太不替别人着想了！” B: “你用完了请把厕所座板放下来好不好啊？” P: “你这个懒鬼，你答应过把垃圾扔掉的！我就是没法相信你！” B:
8、 “回到家来看到脏兮兮的，我心里真不舒服，我们说好了的你要扔垃圾的！”,积极的冲突,情绪上的而不是认知上的冲突 对事不对人 避免敌意、侮辱、轻蔑 争吵不外扬 Keeping disputes private 同性恋伴侣间的冲突 (Gottman, 2001) 更多的积极面、采用幽默和温情 不把消极的东西当做是针对自己的 平静下来，互相抚慰,钛金规则,“Do not do unto those close to you what you would not have done unto others (whore not so close to you).” 己所不欲施于人（那些与你没那么近的人
9、），勿施于己所爱之人,深厚的情谊,“At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company. These couples tend to know each other intimatelythey are well versed in each others likes, dislikes, persona
10、lity quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways, but in little ways day in and day out.” John Gottman,4. 正面的感知、认识,寻找益处(欣赏) 正面积极的假象 (Murray, 1997) 一个自我应验的预言 (创造出益处),“爱不仅能感知到人的潜能，而且还能将之变成现实。” 马斯洛,重新聚焦在正面上,在我的同伴身上，什么是我要感谢的、感激
11、的? 在我们的关系中，什么是精彩的、美好的?,对积极的事情的沟通 (Gable et al., 2006),对积极事情公布的回应 主动的、有建设性的回应,Communicating about Positive Events (Gable et al., 2006),Responding to positive-event-disclosures Active constructive responding Win-win events Genuine responding Generating upward spirals (promoting positive) Building posi
12、tive capacity (dealing with negative),Bem, D. J. (1996). Exotic Becomes Erotic: A Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation. Psychological Review, 103 (2), 320-335) Branden, N. (1985). The Psychology of Romantic Love. Bantam Fraley, R. C. & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult Romantic Attachment: Theoretic
13、al Developments, Emerging Controversies, and Unanswered Questions. Review of General Psychology, 4 (2), 132-154. Gottman, J. M. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press. Murray, S. L., & Holmes, J. G.
14、(1997). A leap of faith? Positive illusions in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23, 586-604. Schnarch, D. (1998). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Owl Books. Sternberg, R. J. & Barnes, M. L. (1989). The Psychology of Love. Yale University Press.,Bibliography and Recommendations,
