Chapter 9 Personal RelationshipsResearches on personal relationships focus on interdependent relationships, such as dating relationships, marriages, close friendships.Basic characteristics of close relationshipsBasic characteristics of close relationships（亲密关系的基（亲密关系的基本特征）本特征）: :∙ Involving frequent interaction that continues over a relatively long period of time（牵涉到频繁的相互作用，它在一个相对长的时间里持续）.∙ Interacting in more varied situation, including many different kinds of activities or events（在多种多样的情境下相互作用，包括许多不同类型的活动或事件）.∙ Influence between each other is strong（彼此间的影响强烈，常有比较强的情绪反应）. Main contents1.社会交换或相互依赖理论: 成本与报酬,个人如何确定自己应得的报酬,如何协调彼此的结果,如何保证交换过程的公正,人际关系性质对交换过程的影响.2. 自我揭示与人际关系有什么关系.如何通过自我揭示发展亲密关系.3. 亲密关系中的社会影响力、满足感与承诺、冲突.4. 维持亲密关系的思想和行为.5. 解除亲密关系的方法. Main termsSocial exchange(社会交换); interdependence theory(相互依靠理论); rewards and costs(报酬和成本); comparison level(人际报酬的比较水平); comparison level for alternatives(各种人际关系的比较水平); common interest and goals(共同利益和目标); role taking(角色承担); role making(制造角色); fair exchange(公平交换); equity theory(公平理论); distributive justice(分配正义); committed relationship(托付关系); communal relationship(共享关系); exchange relationship(交换关系); self-disclosure(自我揭示); descriptive disclosure(描述性揭示); evaluative disclosure(评价性揭示); social penetration(人际洞察); old adage(老格言); same-sex relationship(同性关系); cross-sex relationship(异性关系); superficial interaction(表面的相互作用); meaningful interaction(有意义的相互作用). Main termsegalitarian(平等主义者); social convention(社会习俗); principle of least interest(最少兴趣原理); empty-shell marriage(无感情婚姻); personal commitment(个人的承诺); moral commitment(道德的承诺); constraint commitment(约束的承诺); positive illusion(积极的错觉); misremembering(错误地记忆); cognitive mechanism(认知机制); distressed couple(不幸的夫妻); accommodation and forgiveness(宽容和谅解). I. Theories about social exchange（考察人际关系的理论视角：交换理论）Interaction between persons is analogized to exchange process in terms of rewards and costs. People arrange their interactions to maximize rewards and minimize costs. People learn the norm of reciprocity – rewarding those who reward us – through socialization（根据成本和收益来类比人们之间的相互作用。
人们安排他们的相互作用，以最大化收益、最小化成本通过社会化，人们学得相互性规范——回报奖赏我们的人）.1. Rewards and cost:Rewards: anything a person gains from an interaction.Six basic types of rewards: love, money, status, information, goods, and services.Rewards can be classified along two dimensions – particularism and concreteness.Costs: negative consequences that occur in an interaction or relationship. I. Theories about social exchange（考察人际关系的理论视角：交换理论）2. How people evaluate their outcomes from interaction（人们如何评价来自人际相互作用的结果）People are aware of the costs and rewards in a relationships. The overall outcome is more emphasized than the lists of good and bad aspects of a relationship（人们能觉察到关系中的成本和收益，通常更强调总的结果，而不强调关系中好的和坏的方面的清单）.Standards for evaluating:（评价标准）∙ Whether a relationship is profitable or costly.∙ Comparison level: the quality of outcomes a person believes he or she deserves after synthesizing the experiences of past interaction. It reflects the acceptable relationships for a particular person.∙ Comparison level for alternatives: This involves assessing how one relationship compares to other relationships that are currently available. I. Theories about social exchange（考察人际关系的理论视角：交换理论）3. People are often involved in an interaction with different outcome expectations. How do they coordinate outcomes（人们卷入人际关系时常常有不同的结果期待。
他们如何协调结果?）The basic principle is fair exchange（基本原则是公平交换）: equity theory.How easy or difficult it is for two people to coordinate outcomes depends on how much they share common interests and goals（协调的困难程度取决于他们有多少共同的利益与目标）.Whether people evaluate a relationship on exchange depends on the nature of that relationship（人们是否根据交换来评价关系取决于关系性质）. Exchange relationships occur most often with strangers or casual acquaintances and in business relations（交换关系通常发生于陌生人、不重要的熟人之间以及商业关系中）.Some resolutions of discrepancy of interests are cultural, and some are personal（利益不一致的解决方法，有些是文化的、有些是个人的）. Methods for resolving discrepancy of interests（解决利益不一致的方法）•Negotiating（谈判）: This is a time-consuming activity and a source of arguments and bad feelings.•Developing social norms（发展社会规范）: Shared norms reduce the need for continual negotiation in order to arrive at coordinated behavior patterns（共享的规范减少持续谈判的需要）.•Social roles and cultural rules（社会角色和文化规则）: Cultural rules prescribe certain coordinated patterns（文化规则规定了特定的协调模式）.The process of role taking（角色承担方法）: individuals act on the basis of preexisting cultural rules（个体根据先前的文化规则来行动）.The process of role making（角色塑造方法）: people develop their own shared norms to resolving problems of interdependence.（人们发展共享的规范以解决相互依赖问题）Many social interaction involve a mix of role taking and role making.（许多相互作用牵涉到承担和塑造角色的复杂过程） Fair exchange: the fair is the most satisfying（公平交换：公平是最令人满意的）1. Rules for determining whether a relationship is fair（决定关系是否公平的规则）:Equality rule（均等规则）: Everyone receive equal outcomes（每个人受到均等的结果）.To-each-according-to-need rule（根据个人需要规则）: People get their outcomes according to their needs.Equity rule（公平规则）: To ensure distributive justice, a person’s profits should be proportional to his or her contributions.（为确保分配正义，一个人的收益应该与其贡献成比例）Outcomes of Person P Contributions of person POutcomes of Person OContributions of person O Fair exchange: the fair is the most satisfying2. Equity theory（公平理论）:1) Four basic assumptions（四个基本假设）:In a relationships or group individuals try to maximize their outcomes.（在一个关系或群体中，个人试图最大化收益）Dyads and groups can maximize their collective rewards by evolving rules or norms about how to divide rewards fairly among everyone concerned（两人关系和群体通过发展出在相关人士间如何公平分配奖赏的规则或规范而使集体收益最大化）.When individuals perceive that a relationship is inequitable, they feel distressed. The greater the inequity, the greater the distress experienced（当个体发现关系不公平的时候会感到难过，不公平程度越高，体验的难过就越强烈）.Individuals who perceive inequity in a relationship will take steps to restore equity（个体发现不公平时将采取措施恢复公平）.2) Overbenefited person may feel distress or over-motivated（得到过多好处的人可能会感到难过、或过度激励）. Fair exchange: the fair is the most satisfying2. Equity theory:3) Responses to unfairness in a relationship（对不公平的反应）: Some people are more concerned about equity（有些人更加关注公平，他们更容易受到不公平的影响）.To restore actual equity.To use cognitive strategies to alter the perception of the imbalance.To end a relationship.4) Perception of equity in dating and marriage（约会和婚姻中对公平的理解）:Fairness is more important at the beginning of such relationships. With the development of trust between partners, they may not monitor exchange patterns. However, when long-term relationships encounter stressful changes, partners may again begin to assess fairness in their relationship.In close relationships, equity is less important to happiness than the absolute level of rewards a person receives. I. Theories about social exchange（考察人际关系的理论视角：交换理论）4. Social exchange is more important in exchange relationships than in communal relationships(社会交换在交换关系中比共有的关系中重要）. Exchange relationships: a relationship in which people give benefits with the expectation of receiving comparable benefits in return soon afterward（交换关系：人们给他人好处，期待在不久的将来得到对等的回报）.Communal relationships: a relationship in which people feel a personal responsibility for the needs of the other（共有的关系：人们感觉对另一个人的需要有个人责任的关系）.In long-term relationships, the other is identified as a part of self. Thus, benefiting the other is benefiting ourselves（在长期关系中，另一个人被当作自我的一部分，使他人收益就是使自己收益）. II. The effect of self-disclosure on close relationships（自我揭示对亲密关系的影响）1. Self-disclosure: a special type of conversation in which intimate information and feelings are shared（一种私密的信息和感情被分享的谈话类型).Descriptive disclosure（描述型揭示）: revelation that describes what a person is. Evaluative disclosure（评价型揭示）: revelation that describes personal assessment of people and situations.2. The main reasons for self-disclosure（自我揭示的主要原因）:Social approval: to increase social acceptance and liking by others.Relationship development: Self-expression: to express feelings.Self-clarification: Social control: to reveal or conceal information. II. The effect of self-disclosure on close relationships（自我揭示对亲密关系的影响）3. The depth and breadth of self-disclosure influence the relationship development.（自我揭示的深度和范围影响关系发展）Social penetration（社会渗入）: the relationships gradually forms while penetrating beyond the surface of another person to gain greater and greater knowledge about the person’s inner self.Nonintimate topics 深度Very intimate topicsbreath of self-disclosure II. The effect of self-disclosure on close relationships（自我揭示对亲密关系的影响）3. The depth and breadth of self-disclosure influence the relationship developmentDepth of social penetration: As relationships develop from superficial to intimate, people disclose increasingly more personal things about themselves.Breadth of social penetration: People discuss a wider range of topics and share diverse activities with the development of close relationships.在人际关系中不断的自我揭示会导致亲密关系的发展。
4. Self-disclosure and disclosure reciprocity lead to liking（自我揭示和揭示的相互性导致喜欢）.Whether a person’s self-disclosure lead to liking depends on whether the other side of an interaction reciprocates with same degree of self-disclosure. Or the person will be perceived as malajusted. II. The effect of self-disclosure on close relationships（自我揭示对亲密关系的影响）5. The hazards of self-disclosure may incur（自我揭示可能发生的危险）:Indifference（冷漠）: indifferent to a person’s self-disclosure.Rejection（拒绝）: being socially rejected after self-disclosure.Loss of control（丧失控制）: The shared information may be used to control a person.Betrayal（背叛）: self-disclosed information is given away.人们更可能对信任的人（如配偶、亲密朋友、心理治疗人员）、不可能再见面的陌生人揭示个人信息。
6. People with different culture respond to self-disclosure with different attitude.（不同文化下的人对自我揭示有不同的态度）In America, self-disclosure is the hallmark of good relationship and links with the satisfaction of marriage. In Japan, self-disclosure is restrained in formal relationship. II. The effect of self-disclosure on close relationships（自我揭示对亲密关系的影响）7. Gender difference in self-disclosure（自我揭示方面的性别差异）:Stereotypes about gender（关于性别的刻板印象）: Men are “silent types”, and women “talkers”.1) Women tend to reveal more than men. However, the difference is small but statistically significant.2) In same-sex relationships, women disclose more to women than men disclose to men, are more likely to have an intimate same-sex confidant and to emphasize the sharing of personal information. Men emphasize sharing activities.3) In cross-sex relationships, both men and women disclose to each other. Women more likely reveal their weaknesses and conceal their strengths than men. Men show the reverse pattern. III. The development of intimacy（亲密关系的发展）1. Self-disclosure is the prerequisite of intimacy. But self-disclosure itself does not create intimacy. The discloser must feel that they are accepted and understood, and the listener must transmit understand, care, and validation.2. Gender and intimacy: “ Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.Both men and women regard disclosure of personal feelings, appreciation, warmth, shared activities as components of intimacy.But women are likely experience intimacy in same-sex relationships than men. IV. Social power in intimate relationshipsSocial power: a person’s ability to influence deliberately the behavior, thoughts, or feelings of another person.1. Types of distributing social power in heterosexual couples: egalitarian, male dominance, female dominance, differentiated dominance – “separate but equal” areas of responsibility.Relationship satisfaction is equally high in male-dominant and egalitarian relationships.2. Factors that tip the balance of powerSocial norms and attitudes: Social convention has traditionally conferred greater authority on men.Relative resources:The principle of least interest: V. The dark side of dating and marriageThe dark side involves rudeness, deceit, infidelity, conflict, and even physical abuse.1. Lying: 2. Infidelity: a violation of a couple’s norms regulating the acceptable level of emotional or physical intimacy with people outside the relationship.3. Obsession and stalking: Sometimes a former partner or a rejected suitor becomes obsessed with the person he or she desires.4. Conflict: the process that occurs when the actions of one person interfere with the actions of another.Conflict is usually quite low during casual dating but increases significantly in serious dating relationships. Conflict 1. Categories about conflict problems:Specific behaviors: Some conflicts focus on specific behaviors of a partner.Norms and roles: Some conflicts focus on more general issues about the rights and responsibilities of a partner.Personal dispositions: Some conflicts focus on a partner’s motives and personality.2. The three categories reflect the interdependent level.Conflicts can escalate when a partner ascribe specific behaviors to personality.3. Conflict can harm or help a relationship, depending on how it is resolved. VI. Satisfaction and commitment（满意度与关系承诺）1. People desire satisfactory and committed intimate relationships.Satisfaction: subjective evaluation whether a relationship is profitable.Commitment: all the forces, positive and negative, that act to keep an individual in a relationship.2. Satisfaction is influenced by rewards and comparison level.But costs do not necessarily lead to dissatisfaction. Sometimes people are willing to sacrifice for their partners.Compared to distressed couples, happy couples tend to spend more time together in joint activities, to use more humor, to engage in more affectionate touching, to express less criticism and hostility to each other. VI. Satisfaction and commitment3. Three major factors influence commitment to a relationship（三种主要的影响对关系承诺的因素）:The positive forces of attraction to a particular partner and relationship: personal commitment.Influence from values and moral principles, e.g., sanctity of marriage, a lifelong commitment to a spouse: moral commitment.Negative forces or barriers to disengage a relationship: constraint commitment. Availability of alternatives and investments into a relationship are two important types of constrains.4. Association between satisfaction and commitment（满意度和承诺之间的关系）: Satisfaction often increases commitment, but commitment is not invariably linked with satisfaction, e.g. “empty-shell marriage”. VI. Satisfaction and commitment5. Satisfaction and commitment in the relationships of lesbians and gay men:1) Lesbians and gays are no more likely than heterosexuals to have happy – or miserable – relationships.2) Factors that influence satisfaction and commitment are the same as heterosexual couples.3) Lesbians and gays are more easily to disengage a sexual relationship. VII. How to maintain a committed relationship（如何维持承诺关系）1. Positive illusions about relationships: People, especially those in happy, committed relationships, tend to idealize their partner and to view their own relationship as superior to those of others.Positive illusion can enhances satisfaction and confidence.Positive marital illusions may help to promote a sense that marriage is worth maintaining.2. Misremembering the past: People in endured marriage feel that their relationships are getting better all the time. But assessments of love and satisfaction demonstrate that their love and satisfaction doesn’t change over time.Misremembering the past can enhance confidence in current relationship. VII. How to maintain a committed relationship（如何维持承诺关系）3. Forgoing tempting alternative partners（放弃有诱惑力的候选伙伴）: Cultural mechanisms（文化机制）: commitment ceremonies and the wearing of wedding rings（承诺仪式和婚姻戒指）.Cognitive mechanisms（认知机制）: devaluing or inattentiveness to alternatives, overrating current dating partner（贬低或不注意候选对象、过高评价当前对象）.4. Explaining a partner’s behavior（解释伴侣的行为）:Relationship-enhancing attribution: to interpret a partner’s behaviors in a positive light.Distress-maintaining attribution: to interpret a partner’s behaviors in a bad light.Happy and distressed couples tend to explain their partner’s behaviors in different ways. VII. How to maintain a committed relationship（如何维持承诺关系）5. Willingness to sacrifice（牺牲个人利益的意愿）: The willingness to make sacrifices is linked to greater satisfaction and commitment.The initial level of commitment can predict subsequent willingness to sacrifice.6. Accommodation and forgiveness to offense and slip:Accommodation: the willingness to inhibit the impulse to reciprocate and instead to respond constructively when a partner engages in a potentially destructively behavior.Factors increase the likelihood of accommodation: strong commitment and secure attachment; ability of perspective taking; ability to inhibit self-interested impulse. VII. How to maintain a committed relationship（如何维持承诺关系）6. Accommodation and forgiveness to offense and slip（宽容和谅解冒犯、小错误）:Ways to dealing with inadvertent slip that can maintain a relationship:1) Nullifying the situation by reinterpreting it with new information.2) Taking no action and waiting the destructive feeling to dissipate over time.3) Deliberately forgiving.Partner’s actionFeelings of hurt, estrange-ment, anger,etc.Interpretationon partner’sactionNullification Dissipation Forgiveness VIII. Responses to dissatisfactionFour common reactions to dissatisfaction:Voice: actively discussing; trying to compromise, to seek help, or to change the self, the partner, or the situation.Loyalty: passively but optimistically waiting for things to improve. Loyalty is a conservative response that attempts to maintain the status quo.Neglect: passively allowing a relationship to deteriorate.Exit: actively ending a relationship.Satisfaction and commitment from a relationship in the past influence the choice of how to resolve a problem. VIII. Responses to dissatisfactionFolk wisdom about happy marriage:Never both be angry at the same time.Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.If you must criticize, do it lovingly.Never bring up mistakes of the past.Neglect the whole world rather than each other.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.At least once every day say a kind or complimentary word to your life partner.When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong usually is the one who does the most talking. Exercises 1. Which factor can increases the willingness of accommodation to a mate’s offense?A. Secure attachment and ability of perspective taking.B. Experiences about happy and committed relationship.C. Alternatives for this relationship.D. Great investment in the relationship.2. Which factor has no effect on commitment to marriage?A. The person is easy to get along with.B. Feelings about the sanctity of marriage.C. Parents’ support.D. Investment in the marriage. Exercises3. To develop intimate relationship through self-disclosure, what is necessary for the listener?A. Giving the same degree of self-disclosure.B. Looking attentively to the speaker.C. Transmitting understanding, validation, and care.D. Promising to keep secrets.4. 系统阐述社会交换理论(interdependence theory, or social exchange theories).5.根据社会交换理论分析,如何提高相亲成功的可能性.6.哪些认知和行为策略有助于维护亲密关系? 。