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1、英语幽默笑话I Wasnt AsleepWhen a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: Wake up, sir!I wasnt asleep, the man answered.Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.I know. I
2、 just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.我没有睡着当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”The poor husbandYou cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife, the man
3、complained to his friend. She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”Do you think its the light thats attracting them?Mike and his pregnan
4、t wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. What dya want me to do, Doctor? Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes! the doctor delivers the child and
5、holds it up for the proud father to see.Mike, youre the proud father of a fine strapping boy. Saints be praised, I. Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike. Soon the doctor delivers the next child. Youve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.Than
6、ks be to.Again the Doctor cuts in, Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern! Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctorholds up the baby for Mikes inspection.Doctor, asks Mike, Do you think its the light thats attracting them?Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful p
7、aintings. Look, said the elder brother. How nice these paintings are! Yes, said the younger, but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father? The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, Obviously he was painting the pictures. 父亲在哪儿？ 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的
8、油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”Does the dog know the proverb,too? The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog. Its all right, said a gentleman, dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite? Ah, yes, answer
9、ed the little boy. I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too? 狗也知道这个谚语吗？ 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：吠狗不咬人。”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”Only cash and credit cards When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged fora room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on r
10、oom size and number of people. Do you take children? the man asked. No, sir, replied the clerk. Only cash and credit cards. 只算现金和信用卡 一个人打电话给一家汽车旅馆询问房租，旅馆的工作人员回答说 房租的多少取决于房间的大小和住客的人数。 “小孩儿算不算呢？”那人问道。 “不算，先生。”服务员回答，“我们只算现金和信用卡。”A Smart Housewife.A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stov
11、e which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: Thatll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!精明的家庭主妇一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？” But the
12、 teacher criedThe six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmothers loving arms.When h
13、e came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didnt cry, but the teacher did!可是老师哭了六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？
14、”“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。” When the young waitress in the caf in Toms building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, Are you single?Why, yes, Tom replied, smiling a
15、t her broadly.So is my mom, she said. Would you like to meet her?约会在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？”THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error-the word Sex had been spelled with an o. One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to
