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1、马克吐温婴儿主席先生、各位先生们：“为婴儿祝酒！”真是妙不可言。我们并非都能有幸做过女人，我们也并非都做过将军、诗人 或政治家。但是，轮到为婴儿祝酒，我们就有了共同点因为我们 都做过婴儿。暨千年来，世界各地在举行宴会时竟完全会忽视了婴儿，好 像婴儿一点也不重要，这太不像话了！先生们，如果各位静思片刻如果各为回到五十年或一百 年前，回到婚后不久的岁月，并再度凝视你们的第一个小宝贝各 位就会记起他非常重要，而且岂止是重要。凡军人都知道，当那个小家伙来到你的大本营，你就得递交 辞呈。他掌管了全部指挥权。你成了他的随从，它的保镖。你还得 侍奉左右，恭候吩咐。他这个指挥官不考虑时间早晚，距离远近，天 气
2、好坏，或其他任何情况。不过有无可能，你都得执行命令。而且 它的战术教程只有一种行军方式，那就是跑步。他对你百般蛮横，百般无礼，而你就算浑身是胆，也不敢吭 声。你可以面对多纳尔森和维克斯堡的死亡风暴并奋勇反击；但是 当他抓你的胡子，扯你的头发，拧你的鼻子，你却不得不忍气吞声当战争的雷声在你的耳际响起，你迎着炮火迅猛前进；但是， 当他像印第安人那样开始发出令人恐惧的战斗呼喊，你却大踏步地后撤，而且你还很高兴有这样的机会。当他嚷着要喝止咳糖浆，你敢脱口说出自己的意见吗？你敢说有些服务项目并不适合于一位军官和绅士吗？不，你会起身去那糖 浆！如果他吩咐你去那奶瓶，但瓶里的奶不热，你会顶嘴吗？不，你 会行
3、动起来，你会去把奶热一下！你在“仆人工作室”里竟然如此屈尊 俯就，以至于亲口尝尝那不冷不热的、淡而无味的玩意儿，看看是否 正好！嗯三分水，一份奶，加一点糖来减轻“肚子痛”，在加一滴 薄荷油来防止那顽固的呃逆。我至今还记得那玩意儿的滋味！ 你这样下去学会了多少东西！ 多情的年轻人仍然笃信一个古老的传说：婴儿如果在睡梦中 微笑，是因为天使在对他讲悄悄话。太美了，但是太不可信了那 只是肠胃发出的嘀咕声而已，朋友们。如果你的小宝贝提议在老时间，即在凌晨两点半散步，你难道不立即起身，并说你正想提议这样做吗？哦，你是训练有素的！你身穿“便服”，怀抱宝宝，在房间里来来回回多部；你不顾尊严地、咿 咿呀呀的信口
4、胡扯；你甚至还亮出军人的嗓门，努力唱上一曲“宝宝 乖宝宝睡”田纳西军团真是出足洋相了！而邻居也真是苦恼透了！因为在一英里之内，并非人人都喜欢在凌晨三点欣赏军乐。你这样持续了两三个小时，而你的茸头小上司却示意，练操和唱歌对他在合适不过，你建议你在这条战线上一直战斗到天亮！你怎么 办？你只得继续战斗，直到筋疲力尽倒下来为止。我喜欢“婴儿一点也不重要”的想法！为什么？因为一个婴儿只会把整栋房子和前院都占为己有，并搞得一团糟；一个婴儿就会使你和 你的内务部忙个不停；他敢于进取，难以控制，往往目无法纪；无论 你采取什么手段，都无法使他恪守常规。一个孩子就够你受的了。如果你有还有理智，千万不要祈求生双胞胎
5、。双胞胎意味着骚乱 不止，而三胞胎无异于早饭。现在，在全国三四百万个摇篮中，有几个摇篮将被视为神圣的文 物而世世代代的保存起来如果我们知道你哪几个的话。在其中的一个摇篮里，很可能有一位未来的法拉格特，此时正在 迷迷糊糊的出牙各位想一想出牙时的情景吧他还非常热切的 咕哝了一句什么，虽然口齿不清，但是有情可原。在另一个摇篮里，未来的天文学家正没精打采的对这闪烁的银河眨眼，思忖着另一位叫做奶妈的人的下落。在第三个摇篮里，未来的大史学家正躺在那儿，无疑要躺到这个 平凡的使命完成为止。在还有一个摇篮里，未来的总统并不再为国家大事而操劳，却在为头 发这么早出了什么问题而烦神。在一长列其他的摇篮里，大约有
6、6000名谋求官职者，现在正准备再想着为未来的总统提供解决这一老问题的机会！再美国国旗下的某个地方还有一个摇篮，里面躺着美军未来的声 名显赫的总司令，他此刻并不在为将来的威严和责任犯愁，而是开动他的全部战略头脑，想方设法的把大脚趾伸进嘴里这并非对今晚显赫的贵宾有何不敬，而是说，56 年前他也曾把注意力放在这件大事上！如果说从小看到大，三岁看到老，那么，只有极少数人才会怀疑 他取得了成功。Title： Speech On The BabiesAuthor： Mark Twain More Titles by TwainAT THE BANQUET, IN CHICAGO, GIVEN BY TH
7、E ARMY OF THE TENNESSEETO THEIR FIRST COMMANDER, GENERAL U. S. GRANT, NOVEMBER, 1879The fifteenth regular toast was The Babies-as they comfort us in our sorrows, let us not forget them in our festivities I like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be Ladies We have not all been generals, or
8、 poets, or statesmen; but when thetoast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground It is a shame that for a thousand years the worlds banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as if he didnt amount to anything. If you will stop and think a minute -if you will go back fifty or one hundred year
9、s to your early married life and recontemplate your first baby-you will remember that he amounted to a great deal, and even something over. You soldiers all know that when the little fellow arrived at family headquarters you had to hand in your resignation. He took entire command. You became his lac
10、key, his mere body servant, and you had to stand around, too. He was not a commanderwho made allowancesfor time, distance, weather, or anything else. You had to execute his order whether it was possible or not. And there was only one form of marching in his manual of tactics, and that was the double
11、-q uick. He treated you with every sort of insolence and disrespectand the bravest ofyou didnt dare to say a word. You could face the death-storm at Donelson and Vicksburg, and give back blow for blow; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulledyour hair, and twistedyour nose, you had to take it. W
12、hen the thunders of war were sounding inyour earsyou setyour faces toward the batteries, and advanced with steady tread; but when he turned on the terrors of his war-whoopyou advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance, too. When he called for soothing-syrup, didyou venture tothro
13、w out any side remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a gentleman? No. You got up and got it. When he ordered his pap-bottle and it was not warm, did you talk back? Not you.You went to work and warmed it. You even descended so far in your menial office as to take a suck at th
14、at warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was right-three parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a drop of peppermint to kill those hiccoughs. can taste that stuff yet. And how many things you learned as you went along! Sentimental young folks still take stock in t
15、hat beautiful old saying that when the baby smiles in his sleep, it is because the angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin-simply wind on the stomach, my friends. If the baby proposed to take a walk at hisusual hour, two oclock in the morning, didnyou rise up promptly and remark, wit
16、h a mental addition which would not improve a Sunday-school book much, that that was the very thing you were about to propose yourself? Oh! you were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby-talk, but even tuned up your martial voices and tried to sing!-Rock-a-by baby in the t
