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1、【演讲者及介绍】Heidi Grant社会心理学家海蒂格兰特。海蒂格兰特研究、写作和谈论动机、影响和决策的科学。【演讲主题】不好意思寻求帮助？心理学家给你支个招翻译者 Joseph Geni 校对者 Camille Martnez00:13So, asking for help is basically the worst,right? Ive actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of thingspeople fear, like public speaking and death, but Im pretty sure
2、it actuallybelongs there. Even though in many ways its foolish for us to be afraid toadmit we need help, whether its from a loved one or a friend or from acoworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bituncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of c
3、ourse,why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible. 求助可以说是最糟糕的事了，对吗？它却没有被列入人们最害怕的十大事物之中，比如公众演讲和死亡，但我非常确定它属于这类事物。尽管不愿承认我们需要帮助是愚蠢的，无论是向爱人，朋友，同事，甚至陌生人求助。求助总会让我们感到有点不适和尴尬，当然，这也是我们大多数人尽可能避免求助的原因。00:55My father was one of those legions offathers who, I swear, would rather drive th
4、rough an alligator-infested swampthan actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid,we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to ColonialWilliamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleadedwith him to please just pull over
5、and ask someone for directions back to thehighway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were notlost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here. 我父亲就是那“父亲军团”的一员，我发誓，他宁愿开车穿过鳄鱼出没的沼泽，也不愿意找人帮助他开回大路。我记得小时候有一次全家出去度假。从位于南新泽西州的家驱车前往前殖民地威廉斯堡。我记得我们完全迷路了。我和妈妈恳求他把车停在路边，向别人询问回高速
6、公路的路，他直接拒绝了，事实上他向我们保证他没有迷路，他只是想四处看看。01:32(Laughter) （笑声）01:34So if were going to ask for help - and wehave to, we all do, practically every day - the only way were going to evenbegin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase thechances that when you ask for help from some
7、one, theyre actually going to sayyes. And not only that, but theyre going to find it actually satisfying andrewarding to help you, because that way, theyll be motivated to continue tohelp you into the future. 因此如果我们要求助这是我们几乎每天都会做，而且需要做的我们适应它的方法是变得善于求助，去增加我们求助时别人答应帮助的概率。不仅如此，他们还会发现自己能够在帮助我们的过程中获得满足和回
8、报，因此他们就有动力继续在将来帮助我们。02:02So research that I and some of mycolleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes peoplesay yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me juststart by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask forit. Out
9、 loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something thatpsychologists call the illusion of transparency - basically, themistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are reallyobvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we justmostly stand around wai
10、ting for someone to notice our needs and thenspontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really badassumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they cansupport you. 我和我同事做的一些研究对人们为什么有时会伸
11、出援手，有时候则不，提供了一些解释。现在让我们进入主题：如果我们需要帮助，我们就得开口。大声说出来。可以吗？我们在某种程度上都有心理学家常说的“被洞悉错觉”这说的是我们的一种错觉，我们总觉得自己的思想、感觉和需要对他人而言很明显。事实并非如此，但我们相信这点。所以我们只是干等在那儿，等待有人注意到我们的需求，然后主动提出帮助我们。这是一个非常糟糕的假设。事实上，不仅说出我们的需求很难，而且我们身边的人也往往琢磨不透应该如何支持我们。02:57My partner has actually had to adopt ahabit of asking me multiple times a day
12、, Are you OK? Do you needanything? because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someoneshelp. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, muchmore, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.So if you need help, youre going to have to ask for it.
13、 And by the way, evenwhen someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it?Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did notactually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, dontthey? 我的伴侣不得不养成一个习惯，每天问我很多次，“现在怎样？你需要什么吗？”因为在需要帮助
14、时，我太不擅长发出信号。现在，他给予了我更多耐心，更积极主动，更乐于助人，我们通常没有权利要求别人这样对我们。所以如果我们需要帮助，我们必须开口。另外，即便有人看出来我们需要帮助，他们怎么知道我们需要什么？大家有没有试过主动帮助别人，结果人家根本就不想让你帮？他们很快就会厌恶，对吧？03:38The other day - true story - my teenagedaughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her someunsolicited help about that. 这是个真实的故事前些天，我十
15、几岁的女儿穿好衣服准备上学，我决定自发地给她一些帮助。03:46(Laughter) （笑声） 03:47I happen to think she looks amazing inbrighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And soI said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and tryto find something a little less somber. 我碰巧觉得她穿亮色衣服
16、好看。但她通常喜欢偏深、中性的色调。于是我试着说，也许她可以回到楼上，试着找件颜色不那么阴沉的衣服穿。04:02(Laughter) （笑声）04:04So, if looks could kill, I would not bestanding here right now. We really cant blame other people for not justspontaneously offering to help us when we dont actually know that thats whatis wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help thatcoworkers give one another in the workplace is in re
