阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 1 页 共 6 页新东方：高考作文习作点评2007 年高考英语(上海试卷)作文题目 II. Guided Writing Directions: Write an English composition in 120~150 words according to the instructions given below in Chinese. 以“礼物”为主题写一篇作文该文章必须包括以下内容： 1. 你送礼物的对象及所送的礼物； 2. 该礼物对他(她)可能产生的影响或带来的变化 学生习作与点评 学生习作： Gift Next Wednesday is the birthday of Xiao Mei, one of my best friends. 1)What gift shall I give her? She loves flowers, and maybe a bunch of lily is a 2)sound present, but flowers will wither away in one week 3)at most. Maybe I can bring her a birthday cake, 4)but not a surprise. Finally, I decide to buy a book for her, maybe the classical novel, The Dream of Red Mansion, is a good choice. I go to book store and find the novel in two versions, Chinese and English. That is terrific. 5)This Chinese novel is her favorite which she is considering to buy recently and she is also crazy about learning English. I can’t image how delighted she 6)is on receiving such gift. 阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 2 页 共 6 页7)I am expecting the coming of next Wednesday, and give my best wishes and gift to her. 原文修改稿： Gift Next Wednesday is the birthday of Xiao Mei, one of my best friends. I wonder what gift I should give to her. She loves flowers, and maybe a bunch of lilies is a good present, but flowers will wither away in one week or less. Maybe I can bring her a birthday cake, but this would not be a surprise. I think I will buy a book for her. The classic novel, The Dream of Red Mansions, is a good choice. The bookstore has two versions, Chinese and English. This is terrific. I can give her both. I know this is her favorite novel; she is thinking of buying this book. She is crazy about learning English. I can’t imagine how delighted she will be upon receiving such a gift. I am excited for next Wednesday, when I will be able to give my best wishes and gift to her. 整体点评 文章涵盖了题目给出的全部要点内容，句子以及段落之间的过渡比较自然。
运用了较多的句式，例如定语从句(…her favorites which she is considering to buy)、感叹句(I can’t imagine how delighted she will be on receiving such gift)以及长短句的搭配使用，使文章看起来变化多样，不会显得单调不足之处在于，文中虽然使用了一些比较闪光的词汇(组)，如 wither away、delighted、be crazy about、expect 等，但对阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 3 页 共 6 页某些词汇(组)的把握不够准确，例如对 sound 和 at most 的理解就不到位(具体讲解见难点分析 2、3)另外，有些句子还出现了时态错误，例如 I go to book store and find the novel in tow versions 一句中，动词应该用过去时 难点分析 1. 表达“送(礼物)给某人”有两种说法：give sb. sth.和 give sth. to sb. 2. Sound 在做形容词时，意思只有“完好无恙的；有判断力的；合理的；彻底的；严厉的；(睡觉)酣甜的”，不能用来修饰“gift”，所以用在此处不合适。
3. “At most (至多)”用在此处就有点受中文思维的限制了，不如“or less”来得地道、自然 4. 习作是想采用省略形式，但省略之后，but 连接的两个部分主谓不一致，因此后半句中的主谓不能省略例如：It’s cold in December in England, but(it’s cold)in July in New Zealand．像在这种情况下，后半句与前半句中相同的成分是可以省略的 5. 习作中的限定性定语从句最好改成非限定性定语从句，因为从句真正想修饰的成分是“Chinese novel”, 可改成：This Chinese novel, which she is considering buying recently, is her favorite. 也可以像修改稿中那样改成两句话同时要注意“consider doing sth.(考虑做某事)”的用法 6. 时态错误：这里描述的是将来的情况，因此感叹句中的谓语应该用将来时 7. 习作中的表达有两处不足：①从语法上讲，后半句的谓语部分应该使用将来时态，give 应改为 will give；②表达不够地道 参考范文 阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 4 页 共 6 页Last year, 1I gave my sister a beautiful purse for her 24th birthday. She was happy with my gift 2as her purse had been stolen the week before. I have been wondering what to get her this year for her birthday. My sister, like every girl, likes to look her best. I was thinking I could take her to get her ears pierced as she had always wanted to do it. But, every time she went she 3chickened out at the last minute. I think she will like my gift. 4Getting her ears pierced could fulfill her long time wish and make her feel brave. 【参考句型】 1. “Give sb. sth. for birthday”表示“送给某人某物作为生日礼物”。
2. As 引导原因状语从句 3. “Chicken out”表示“因害怕而停止做某事，因胆小而放弃” 4. 现在分词短语“getting her ears pierced”做主语 有用的表达方式 1. wonder v. 想知道 [搭配] Wonder 后通常接 about 或从句 [例句] Readers have wondered about the character of Captain Nemo ever since the book was published. [例句] Watching them fly through the air makes me wonder whether the sport is too dangerous. 阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 5 页 共 6 页[例句] Janet, didn’t you ever wonder what you’re really like? 2. bunch n. 串，束 [例句] Whenever someone gives you a bunch of flowers, you have to take care of them; Otherwise they will die very soon. 3. crazy adj. 不切实际的，疯狂的 [例句] “It started as a crazy idea,“ Liz said. “We were so curious about all the strangers walking by with their life stories.” [搭配] be crazy about 对……着迷 [例句] “She’s crazy about you, not me,” Tremor replied. 4. delighted adj. 欣喜的，高兴的 [搭配] be delighted to do sth. [例句] Outings are popular and most Australians are delighted to share a cold glass of beer or lemonade with a friend. 5. occur vi. (尤指意外的事件)发生 [提示] 常用于 it/an idea occurs to sb. that 的结构，意为“(主意)浮现于脑海；被想起”。
[例句] Many people believe that life in modern society is becoming more dangerous, but as a matter of fact violent crimes do not occur as often as newspapers suggest. 阳光家教网阳光家教网 第 6 页 共 6 页[例句] Third, there may occur the danger of a leak(泄漏) or an explosion at the power 。