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1、Just a moment ago, my daughter Rebecca texted me for good luck. Her text said, mom, you will rock. I love this. Getting that text was like getting a hug. And so there you have it, I embody the central paradox. Im a woman who loves getting text, whos going to tell you that too many of them can be pro
2、blem. Actually, that reminder of my daughter brings me to the beginning of my story, 1996, when I gave my first TED Talk. Rebecca was 5 years old and she was sitting right there in the front row. I had just written a book that celebrated our life on the internet and I was about to be on the cover of
3、 Wired Magazine. In those heyday days, we were experimenting with chat rooms and online virtual communities. We were exploring different aspects of ourselves and then we unclocked. I was excited, and as a psychologist, what excited me most was the idea that we would use what we learned in the virtua
4、l world about ourselves, about our identify to live better lives in the world. Now, fast forward to 2012, Im back here on the TED stage again. My daughter is 20. She is a college student. She sleeps with her cellphone, so do I and Ive just written anew book, but this time, its not one that will get
5、me on the cover of Wired Magazine. So, what happened? Im still excited by technology, but I believe and Im here to make the case that were letting it take us places that we dont wanna go. Over the past 15 years, Ive studied technologies of mobile communication and Ive interviewed hundreds and hundre
6、ds of people, young and old about their plugged in lives and what I found is that our little devices, those little devices in our pockets are so psychologically powerful that they dont only change what we do. They change who we are. Some of the things we do now with our devices are things that only
7、a few years ago would have found odd or disturbing, but theyve quickly come to seem familiar just how we do things, so just to take some quick examples, people text or e-mail during corporate board meetings. They text and shop and go on Facebook during classes, during presentations, actually during
8、all meetings. People talked to me about the important new skill of making eye contact while your texting. People explained to me that its hard, that it can be done. Parents text and do e-mail at breakfast and at dinner where your children complained about not having their parents full attention, but
9、 then the same children deny each other their full attention. This is a recent shot of my daughter and her friends being together while not being together. And we even text to funerals. I study this. We remove ourselves from our grief or from our reverie and we go in our phones. Why does this matter
10、. It matters to me because I think were saving ourselves up for trouble. Trouble certainly and how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves in our capacity for self reflection. Were getting used to a new way of being alone together. People want to be with each other, b
11、ut also elsewhere connected to all the different places they wanna be. People want to customize their lives. They want to go in and out of all the places they are because the thing that matters most to them is control over where they putt their attention. So, you wanna go to that board meeting, but
12、you only wanna pay attention to the bits that interest you, and some people think thats a good thing, but you can end up hiding from each other even as were all constantly connected to each other. 50-year-old businessman laments to me that he feels he doesnt have colleagues anymore at work. When he
13、goes to work, he doesnt stop by to talk to anybody he doesnt call and he says he doesnt want to interrupt his colleagues because he says they are too busy on their e-mail, but then he stops himself and he says, you know, Im not tell you the truth. Im the one who doesnt want to be interrupted. I thin
14、k I should want to, but actually Id rather just do things on my Blackberry (RIMM) . Across the generations, I see that people tend to get enough with each other if and only if they can have each other at a distance in amounts they can control. I call it the Goldilocks effect, not too close, not too
15、far, just right, but what might feel just right for that middle aged executive can be a problem for an adolescent who needs to develop face to face relationships. An 18-year-old boy who uses texting for almost everything says to me wishfully someday, someday but certainly not now I would like to lea
16、rn how to have a conversation. When I ask people wrong with having a conversation? Ill tell you whats wrong with having a conversation. It takes place in real time and you cant control what youre gonna say. So, thats the bottom line; texting, e-mail, posting. All of these things let us present to self as we wanna be. We get to edit and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch the face, the voice, the flesh, the body. Not too much, just right.
