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1、文档来源于网络，如有重复请自行下载英语作文分析解读今天我们来分析一段学生写的作文，这位学生水平不错，大概是六级通过的水平，但是文章中却出现了很多比较低级的错误，或者说可以改进的地方。其中很多错误也是大多数同学在写作中曾经犯过或者可能犯的错误。文章的题目为Today, people do not always work for the same job. Why does it happenand how do people prepare for job insecurity？下面选取的这一段是对第一个问题Why does it happen？的回应：学生作文Several factors i
2、ncluding advanced technology and distrust between bosses and employees contribute to the frequent change of jobs. Nowadays, the technology develops in a flash, as a result, there were many jobs replaced by the machines. For instance, most people who make their livings as typists were replaced by sca
3、nners,thus they have to change their work. Besides, people in this age have more access to education. In this case, the competition for job is stressed. If one performs bad in his occupation , he will be replaced at once.这一段的段落结构并没有什么大问题。第句为段落中心句，概况整段。和分别为两个论点。第句还进行了举例论证。结构上可以说是非常正确了。但是仔细分析每句话的话就会发现
4、很多问题。接下来我们来一句一句的看：Several factorsincluding advanced technology and distrust between bosses and employees contribute to the frequent change of jobs.1 段落第句就犯了一个较为严重的问题：第句话将段落当中两个论点(advanced technology对应段落中第一个factor；distrust between.对应第二个factor)的概况放在了including后面作为例子。这里实际上是画蛇添足，因为several factors已经可以概括整段
5、。2 再来看内容。这句话的谓语直接就是contribute，显得很绝对。我们加上一个情态动词may，表明一种不确定的语气，使得行文更加严谨。同时，advanced technology表达不准确。作者要表示的很明显是“科技的快速发展”，而advanced technology的重心是technology，没有趋势的概念。因此应改为technological advances/developments。因此，我们可以将第一句话改为如下形式：Several factors maycontribute to peoplesfrequent job changes.Nowadays, the tech
6、nology develops in a flash, as a result, there were many jobs replaced bythe machines.1in a flash表示very quickly，但是放在这里就存在搭配不当的问题。一般用rapidly来修饰develop。2句子时态错误。工作被机器替代是一个最近到现在一直存在的趋势，因此不能用过去式，可以改为现在完成式。3 这句话在句子结构上也犯了一个很常见的错误：将表示关系的副词当成是连词来用。as a result相当于一个副词结构，不能用来连接两个句子。因此前面需要改成逗号“，”或句号“.”。但是分成两句话很明
7、显不够简洁，我们直接合成一句话：Therapidtechnological advances/developments haverenderedmany jobsobsolete.For instance, most people who make their livings as typists were replaced by scanners,thus they have to change their work.1 most people who make their livings as typists中的make their living as显得很累赘，直接写most typis
8、ts就可以了。typists很明显是对上一句jobs的举例，因此我们可以将for instance放在typists后面，即Most typists, for instance,.2 这句话用犯了一个同样的问题：将表示关系的副词当成是连词来用。thus是个副词，不能用来连接两个单独的句子，they have to change their work在这句话中表示一个结果，因此我们用一个现在分词做结果状语，即“导致他们.(prompt/cause sb to do)”，同时增加句子结构的复杂性。3 work可以换成occupation，表示职业。因为这里更强调的应该是转行。Most typist
9、s, for instance, are being/have been replaced by machines,prompting themto seek another occupation.Besides, people in this age have more access to education.In this case, the competition for job is stressed.1 Besides用的很好，可以表明这句话与上文的并列关系。2 这两句话其实是存在一个因果关系的。作者要表达的意思应该是“人们接受教育程度高了，因此找工作竞争大了”。这两句话都是简单句，
10、而且这一段没有用任何从句，因此我们可以在这地方用一个非限制性定语从句+mean表示结果，即”, which means that.”3 stressed在这里也存在搭配不当的问题，stressed表示(人)压力大的。(竞争)激烈的我们用fierce/stiffBesides, people in this age have more access to education, which meansthat the competition in the job market is fierce.If one performs bad in his occupation , he will be
11、replaced at once.1 这句话当中出现了一个绝大多数同学都会犯的问题。当用one指一个人时，后面不能用he或they来代指one，只能重复用one，关于这一点，我在之前一篇文章中有提到过推荐一本很有用的英文写作工具书即If one performs bad in ones occupation , one will be replaced at once.但是这样的话，就会出现很多one。为了避免这一问题，我们可以将主语one改为employee，因为这篇文章的出题就是跟员工有关的。接下来再代指employee时， 我们可以用he或he or she。2 bad是一个形容词，不能
12、放在perform后面。应该改为perform badly/poorly表现很差。这句话中强调的是具体的工作，用occupation显然不合适，应改为job或者work。3 这句话同样存在之前提到过的一个问题，即说法过于绝对(will be replaced at once)。我们可以将will改为is likely to。replace在前面出现过了，这里可以换成lay off(解雇)4 这句话与上一句应该是存在因果关系的，为加强前后之间的连接性，我们可以加上一个therefore。Therefore, if an employeeperforms poorly/badly in his j
13、ob, he is likely to be laid off.修改后的版本Several factors may contribute to peoples frequent job changes. The rapid technological advances/developments have rendered many jobsobsolete. Most typists, for instance, are being/have been replaced by machines, prompting them to seek another occupation. Besides, people in this age have more access to education, which meansthat the competition in the job market is fierce. Therefore, if an employeeperforms poorly/badly in his job, he is likely to be laid off.5
